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The power of suggestion - If only we learn to surrender

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October 10th, 2010

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03:14 pm - The power of suggestion
On Monday, my counselor mentioned that I might be clinically depressed. I have never thought about being depressed until now because I don't FEEL depressed. However, now that she mentioned it, I kept thinking about it, and now I'm considering that it might be true.

Her prognosis is based on several things that I mentioned to her. The first is that I haven't been sleeping much. My sleep time has cut down to less than 4 hours per night. It is not that I cannot fall asleep. I just can't stay asleep. I fall asleep fine, but I will be awake 3 hours later. Then there's this issue of not eating. My appitite has been sporadic at best. There are times when I went for a run in the late afternoon and wondered why I feel faint. Then I realized that I haven't eaten any breakfast or lunch. Then there's this issue of concentration. I have been blowing through more red lights while driving in the last 3 weeks than I care to remember. I must have done that at least a dozen times. I'm quite surprised I haven't been t-boned by an oncoming car yet. Then, as someone mentioned to me this week, I lost all interest in things that interested me before. I used to be a real politico news junkie - I read the NYTimes daily, I DVR'ed evening news of all 3 major networks and watch them, I watch The Daily Show / Colbert Report religiously. Presently, I do none of those. I just didn't have any interest.

The reason why I haven't been caring about all this is because of the "upsides". I lost 8 lbs and kept it off for 3 weeks. I have been trying to lose 10 lbs for 3 years and have never succeeded until now. If I lose another 5 lbs, I would be at the same weight when I was in my 20s. Also, there's this added advantage of not caring about people in general. I thought about this quite a bit in the last couple of days. I realized that for years, I'm actually happiest when I don't give a shit about people. I'm quite sure I blogged about this several times in years past. I'm not saying that I'm nihilistic - ie. I want to kill everyone and people shouldn't be allowed to live. When I mean is that I stop having general empathy or compassion for people. My present stress and listlessness is about me wanting to be with someone, or caring about someone when, obviously, these people aren't really worth my emotional investment because they aren't reciprocating. So this period of just "not caring" actually made me happier, centered my life a little better, and generally all in all, made me feel nothing. It's like waking up from a long nap and feeling dazed all day. But I think that's could be due to the lack of sleep as well.

So what am I trying to say here? I didn't think I was depressed until my counselor mentioned it. So am I depressed because she brought it to my attention, or am I depressed because it is really true? Food for thought.

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Date:October 11th, 2010 06:15 pm (UTC)
It's also kind of hard to tell the difference between grief and clinical depression, as I'm sure you and your counselor both know. If you're experiencing all of these things - sleep disturbance, loss of appetite, loss of interest - for the first time around the same time as some major changes are happening in your life, I'd think it might be part of the process of reacting to that, though if these feelings don't resolve a little in another month or two, that's a long time to be affected by it so physically. But if you recognize this as the kind of phase that you've passed through before, at other times in your life, it could be depression...
Date:October 11th, 2010 09:37 pm (UTC)
I don't know. I mean, this has been going on for like a month now. So we will have to see how long this is going to last. I suspect that it will not last much longer *cross fingers*. I say this out of ignorance because it's not like I can control any of it.

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